Tom Glaser is a licensed psychologist, lifelong meditator, and yoga teacher. He is also the author of “The House That Resilience Built: A Psychologist’s Approach to Healing Childhood Trauma.” At a time when the queer community is forced to live through MAGA’s and the Trump administration’s attempts to legislate us out of existence, Glaser’s book comes just in time to help us understand how trauma lingers in our bodies, what the healing process looks like, and how we can rebuild our lives (article continues below).
Watch Our Conversation
Why Write This Book Now — and Why It Took Courage
“I’ve been doing this work for 40 years, and that’s a lot of time to see themes,” Glaser said. “These themes of trauma and resilience are pretty ubiquitous. It underlies what brings so many people to therapy.”
But to write this particular book, his second, required Glaser to tell his own story. That is not something that psychologists are always prepared to do.
“We’re trained to be really careful with self-disclosure in our field,” he said. “We don’t want our stories to interfere with our clients’ stories in any way.”
More than just telling his story, he felt ready because of the timing: both of his parents have passed away. Glaser said he didn’t want to publish “The House That Resilience Built” while they were alive since much of his upbringing includes actions on their part that they ultimately were not proud of doing.
But for Glaser, in the end, his goal for the book is to write a message of hope. Early in the writing process he considered the tagline, “trauma is not a prison sentence — there’s hope after trauma.” Instead he chose one more direct.
“Trauma is not the end of the story,” he said.
The Myth of “Just Get Over It”
Too often, queer people express harms done to them by family, friends, or others, they are told to “get over it” and “to move on.” Sometimes that mindset is internalized when someone asks themselves, “Why can’t I just get over this?”
In either case, Glaser strongly advises against this type of thinking.
“It’s a message that there’s something wrong with you if you’re having feelings,” he said. “It’s just bunk. And it enrages me, to be honest with you.”
Our brains treat traumatic memories differently than ordinary ones. The brain has a survival mechanism that triggers during traumatic events.
“Back in the days of the savannah, if we stumble upon a snake pit, we want to remember where that snake pit is so we never go near it again,” Glaser explained.
However, even when we’re not facing those same dangers anymore, our bodies still have the capacity to respond as if if they were. Additionally, feelings and memories from the traumatic event can surface years later, sometimes decades afterwards.
“It’s not that we were bad or wrong or weak or stupid,” Glaser said. “We happened to be there and that happened to us.”
When this happens, Glaser recommends offering ourselves self-compassion, even curiosity. He also noted that these types of memories tend to resurface with the time is right. Put another way: when our bodies and mind feel ready to deal with them.
“If you’re remembering more,” Glaser said, “that’s your insides telling you, you’re ready. Trust what you don’t remember, trust what you do remember.”
Healing Happens in Relationship
In our therapeutic culture, therapy is treated as a solo pursuit on the part of the patient. For Glaser, healing is relational and not solo work.
“Some of it we have to do alone,” he said. “[But] most of it is in the context of relationship. It’s only with a safe other that trauma can come out and be processed.”
In “The House That Resilience Built,” Glaser’s structures his book on seven blocks, including trusting and feeling safe, being heard, connecting, and transforming behaviors. He said that there are not sequential, but like Legos. Some blocks can be put together in the order that makes sense for the patient.
Even ‘Magic’ and ‘Love’ Have a Place
Glaser said that in his practice attuning to a patient can produce moments that defy standard clinical language. In his book, he recounts a session where his client was sharing painful details of a particular experience. Glaser suddenly felt a tightness in his jaw, a clenching, and it was something foreign to him. When he brought it up with his client, it led to a breakthrough.
Glaser observed that after 40 years he has given himself permission to label these moments for what they are.
“There is magic,” he said. “There is mystery. There are things in our work that we can’t scientifically explain.
Glaser also speaks to an issue that most therapists stay away from. Psychologist Ryan Van Wyk observed in the book’s forward that because the field wants to taken as a science, words like “love” are avoided.
“[But] there is love in psychotherapy,” Glaser said. “And it’s okay to claim it. Why not call it what it is? Because love is healing.”
Finding the Right Therapist
The book closes with an important chapter that Glaser almost left out. In it, he writes about how to choose a therapist.
“I wasn’t going to include that chapter because I thought there was plenty of that material out there,” he said. “[But] there isn’t.”
As he searched for that information and when he couldn’t find any guidance on finding a therapist he wrote the chapter. And his recommendations are simple. Prioritize fit above everything else and ask yourself whether the therapist sitting across from you is someone you trust enough to share these traumatic memories with. He shared that it is possible to interview them, even by phone. In those interviews, he said, pay attention to voice, style, and comfort.
“The number one thing is just finding someone you’re comfortable with,” Glaser advised. “Why waste any time with somebody that you don’t feel really comfortable with?”
The demand for mental health services is high right now, leading to a shortage of available therapists. While that makes the search more difficult, it underscores his point: don’t settle. If you feel can take the time to wait for the right provider, it may be worth it to find the one you truly click with.
What Does Healing Look Like?
Before entering therapy, people wonder what will the outcomes be? How will I be different afterwards?
Glaser said most often the healing is found in relationships, particularly when it comes to childhood trauma.
“Trauma shows up in relationships because, especially with childhood trauma, it affects our beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world,” he said. “Survivors learn there is a lack of safety in themselves, in others, or in the world — and then generalize it far beyond the original wound, projecting what isn’t there and reacting to the present as though it were the past.”
To learn more about Glaser and his work visit tomglaserlp.com.
